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You goddamn stoners. You know, there's more to life than enjoying it.

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Socrates famously stated that he knew only that he knew nothing, but even I know you have to prime a mower before you start it.

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The next item on the agenda is actually just an announcement. For those of you who have not yet heard, Cheryl from marketing recently revealed herself to be Earth's first extraterrestrial visitor. From what I have gathered, Cheryl came to our planet twenty years ago to study our language and assimilate our culture. I think I speak for everyone when I say we're proud that, of all the customizable aquarium wholesalers out there, Cheryl chose us.

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Aw shit, another duel? I hate casting bullets.

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Tonight I have been mentally graphing the complex, tangled web of sexual contact between me, my friends and acquaintances. When just fucking is used the graph is funny enough, but when kissing and other endeavors are included, the graph is a solid black square. Neato. You only live once.

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The anti-vaccination movement is just one
of those problems that solves itself.

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Actually it's what you know about who you know.

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I'd be happy if unicorns were real.
I'd be even happier if they were tasty.

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I got this great recipe for disaster, unfortunately I don't have any measuring cups graduated in ancient Mayan volumetric units.

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I see an empty "Plan B" package and think to myself "Someone had a good time last night."

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"I just think we'd be happier if we were seeing other–"

"You guys doing OK? Need any water?"

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They say I'm playing God, but it shouldn't be this easy.

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I don't know how to dance, but I'm not afraid of listening to music that assumes I do.

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I beseech you, in the bowels of Christ, shut the fuck up.

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